


father forgive me | ballum

by lockedinmybody



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Daddy Issues, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 08:25:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19849333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lockedinmybody/pseuds/lockedinmybody
Summary: a follow up of phil changing his will to exclude ben and instead include keanu.ben and callum talk about the relationship with their fathers (mostly ben's).





	father forgive me | ballum

When Callum walks into the Vic, Ben doesn't see him. He doesn't raise his head, soften his eyes but sharpen the slanted line of his mouth, give a small nod.  
Nothing.  
Both hands are firmly gripped around his pint and his thoughts seem to be anywhere but in the present. 

Something's going on, that much is clear. But it feels a little different, because Ben seems to have given up the fight. Conflict with Ben often involves snarky comments and narrowed eyes, accusations or threats that he doesn't always mean. Now, he just looks empty. 

Even as Callum walks up to his table.  
"Hi." He says softly, tapping a hand on the table so Ben looks up. Ben echoes his greeting and Callum takes a deep breath in.  
"Wanna go for a walk?"

It's late afternoon nearing evening, most people having dinner, so the square is blissfully empty. Not much noise other than the scraping of their shoes against the ground every now and then.  
Ben has his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jacket and he hasn't said a word since they started walking. Callum finds himself enjoying his company nonetheless.  
He lets Ben lead the way, and the further they get away from the square, the more Callum sees the muscles in his face relax a little.  
"Can get a bit much, can't it," Callum comments, and Ben turns his head towards him as he walks.  
"What?"  
"The square, everyone," Callum gestures to what lies behind them, " _I_ find it overwhelming and I ain't been here that long."  
Ben huffs a laugh. "You don't know half of what's gone on there."

They continue to walk in silence. Maybe Ben doesn't want to talk to him. He's tolerating his presence for now, and that's more than enough for Callum. The guilt of what his family has done to him swirls in his gut, the faint remnants of bruises still slightly visible on his face. Ben may confuse him, but it's the kind that makes you want to come closer and figure out what's going on.  
"I've thought about leaving this place so many times," Ben says, his pace slowing, "just goin' and never comin' back."  
Callum looks at him. "Did leaving help?" Because he has gone away, he knows that. Callum wonders what made him return each time.

"Not really," Ben shrugs, his arm bumping against Callum's as they turn a corner, "I have a duty here. Family's everything I s'pose."  
Callum can _feel_ the bitterness in those last words and he winces slightly.  
He sees Ben biting his lip with a laugh, shaking his head in disbelief. "My old man wrote me out of his will and replaced me with the man who knocked his daughter up."  
It sounds casual, the way he says it, but Callum knows he's hurting, can _see_ it.  
Callum frowns. "Why would he do that?" Ben drags a hand over his face, walking a few more slow steps until he's standing still and Callum stops too.  
"Because he don't love me, Callum." Ben says, firmly and loudly. "Never has and never will."

Callum presses his lips together and looks to the side for a moment, watches the traffic passing by the alleyway they're standing in. He drags the side of his shoe over the asphalt.  
"I'm sure he d-" Ben presses a hand to his chest. "No." He's breathing quickly, he's standing close enough that Callum can hear it, and he looks at Callum with a piercing gaze, willing him to understand.  
"I think we both know enough about disappointing fathers, so let's not pretend I ain't got one." Ben relaxes his fingers against Callum's chest, let's them gently fall down, fingertips catching against the zipper as he does so.  
"He's never wanted a son like me, and even if I try to become what he wants me to be, it won't be enough," Ben says, quietly now, and it's like he's a small boy again. A child who needed the unconditional love a parent is supposed to give.

"Did he say why?" Callum asks gently, and Ben shakes his head, looking down at the ground for a moment but then back up again, up at Callum. He always comes back there.  
"He didn't say. Could be a number of things though." Ben takes a breath in, trying to swallow past the lump in his throat but it shakes and shudders, and he takes one step away from Callum, looking to the side as he tries to gather himself.  
"You know, he," Ben takes a pause again, but his face falls a little further and Callum wills himself to stay where he is, "he talks about his new child with, with affection, and _love_ , and-"  
Ben holds a hand over his mouth as he tries to take a deep breath, and Callum sees thick droplets hitting his cheeks when he squeezes his eyes closed.

He looks at Callum again, and he must see how much Callum feels for him, because everything unscrews.  
"He's all ready for a do over now, like having a few kids he messed up is not a problem but he can try again now, he can be better!" Ben shouts, hands gesturing wildly to the air around him, "he's actually _looking forward_ to having this kid, he's excited! I heard him tell Sharon! He _wants_ this!"  
Ben's cheeks are red with anger and sadness and sorrow and grief for a childhood he never had but deserved, and he looks at Callum as he screams.  
"He already loves that fucking kid more than he'll ever love _me!_ " 

Callum rushes forward, puts a hand on the back of Ben's neck and pulls him in. Ben lets himself fall against Callum's chest, arms limp by his sides and Callum holds him, puts his arms completely around him like a shield.  
He feels Ben shake with sobs against him and he gently sways them from side to side a bit, lets his hand pet over Ben's back as he kisses his hair.  
After a few moments he calms down a little, and Ben slowly pulls himself out of Callum's embrace, but Callum lets his arms stay loosely around his waist.  
"Ain't fair, is it," Callum says softly, and he sees a small smile on Ben's face.  
"He's stupid for not realising he has a son he can be massively proud of, as he should be," Callum says, squeezing Ben's waist until he looks at him.  
Ben's lower lip wobbles and Callum softly kisses his forehead. 

Ben clears his throat. "So is yours, by the way."  
Callum smiles gratefully. "Hey, we were talking about your messed up family, not mine." Ben laughs.  
"Sorry for dropping all this on ya," Ben starts, and Callum shakes his head at him.  
"Don't even. I'm grateful you talked about this with me, really."  
Ben sniffs a little and breathes deeply again, and Callum feels his heart swell with pride at the sight of this man before him.

He puts a hand on the side of Ben's face and leans in, placing his mouth on Ben's cheek in a lingering kiss. When he pulls back, he grabs Ben's hand and holds it, running a thumb over Ben's palm, and Ben smiles at him in recognition.  
Callum takes a small step back but keeps hold of Ben's hand, intertwining their fingers.  
"Come on, let's go home."

**Author's Note:**

> honestly ben and callum both deserve better dads and i want them to bond over it lmao  
> thanks for reading!! let me know what you thought :)  
> you can also find me on [tumblr](https://softlofty.tumblr.com/) :)


End file.
